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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23215393">All I ever wanted</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avriel/pseuds/Avriel'>Avriel</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Gintama</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Depression, Drama, Friendship, Gen, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Heavy Angst, Major Illness, Mental Health Issues, One Shot, Terminal Illnesses, Tragedy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 10:28:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,671</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23215393</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avriel/pseuds/Avriel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Is it still happiness, if it's too much to bear?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Hijikata Toshirou &amp; Sakata Gintoki, Kagura &amp; Sakata Gintoki, Kagura &amp; Sakata Gintoki &amp; Shimura Shinpachi, Kagura &amp; Shimura Shinpachi, Katsura Kotarou &amp; Sakata Gintoki, Sakamoto Tatsuma &amp; Sakata Gintoki, Sakata Gintoki &amp; Shimura Shinpachi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>83</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>All I ever wanted</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A bleak, almost too depressing fic written for my own gloomy satisfaction. Also, my first work in the Gintama fandom.</p><p>I hope you like it as much as I relished writing it. Enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When he heard that Gintoki had collapsed, coughing up blood,</p><p>he didn't know why but he immediately thought of that day.</p><p>That day in war when Gintoki bent down and spit blood. He was immediately by his side.</p><p>Gintoki had just reassured him shakily.</p><p>"A Yato got too close," he said. As if that was the answer to everything.</p><p>The 'Shiroyasha' he knew never allowed anyone to get that close.</p><p>But they were at war and there was no time for fussing. And it never happened again, as far as he knew.</p><p>Then they separated and ten years had already passed.</p><p>.</p><p>Dear Sakamoto - san,</p><p>How are you all doing? - Shinpachi started for the umpteenth time.</p><p>Writing the same words without thinking, like a reflex. The first time he wrote, he had cried.</p><p>Tears smudging the words unrecognizably.</p><p>But no matter how many times he sent them, his letters got no reply.</p><p>His calls unanswered. No one knew exactly where he was, as always.</p><p>But Gin-san... couldn't wait.</p><p>"Wow, Shinpachi, you've gotten really good at this..." Gin-san joked. Peeking over his head.</p><p>"Gin-san, you shouldn't be out of bed!" He admonished. He didn't listen.</p><p>"These won't reach him, you know, he never stays in a place for long."</p><p>Shinpachi knew that. He also knew that there were planets where outside contact was practically impossible.</p><p>But he still wrote.</p><p>"It's worth trying. Maybe Sakamoto - san can help! The doctor did say it was an amanto illness..."</p><p>Gintoki cleared his throat.</p><p>"Maybe, maybe not. Just don't expect too much of him. Tatsuma's not a wizard. I'll be fine." He reassured.</p><p>He really hoped so. Him getting so sickly was just wrong.</p><p>Laughing normally Gintoki suddenly staggered.</p><p>And coughed painfully into his fist. He didn't need to look to know that it was sprayed with blood.</p><p>He sat down and supported him. Reaching out his hand to check for a fever.</p><p>"Your fever's back. I told you to rest up." He sighed shakily.</p><p>It had started with just a cold. Gin-san had woken up with a fever and was coughing a bit.
</p><p>He hadn't paid it much attention. Went on jobs too. When it suddenly escalated. He collapsed.</p><p>Coughing up blood, delirious fever that won't break, vomiting...</p><p>Everyone was beside themselves with worry. </p><p>His sister made bentos every day. Which he ate himself, fearing for Gin-san's life.</p><p>The Shinsengumi visited as often as they could.</p><p>They even gave them loans when all those bills piled up. Gin-san didn't say anything. But he probably didn't like it at all.</p><p>Their friends from Yoshiwara, Madao, 
Kyubee-san and even Zenzou-san visited.</p><p>Sacchan tried to sneak in as a nurse once.</p><p>Katsura-san visited almost daily and the Shinsengumi didn't bother chasing him until after the visit.</p><p>But from doctor to doctor, nobody could tell what was wrong with him.</p><p>Then an amanto doctor, a specialist, prescribed something, speaking in vague terms. Gin-san refused to go to another doctor.</p><p>But he wasn't doing much better. He was probably in much more pain than he admitted.</p><p>He felt helpless. Staring at his shaking form, blood leaking from his fingers.</p><p>In a time like this, how could Kagura-chan just leave like that?</p><p>He thought.</p><p>His glasses fogged over.</p><p>Could he help him, all by himself?</p><p>He grabbed him from behind.</p><p>"Shinpachi.."</p><p>Holding him tightly. As if his grip alone could drive away all sadness.</p><p>Gin-san patted his head, smiling softly.</p><p>"I'm sorry." He whispered.</p><p>Idiot, what are you apologizing for?</p><p>He teared up.</p><p>Why was he always like this?</p><p>Being unable to help or become someone Gin-san could depend upon.</p><p>( Pathetic. )</p><p>.</p><p>Danna hadn't been doing well. He had noticed it since the beginning.</p><p>He'd seen his feverish complexion. Like he'd been out drinking, without any of his typical goofiness.</p><p>A fever?</p><p>But he thought he'd be better in a few days.</p><p>Even Danna was human, catching colds was normal. He had chuckled at that.</p><p>So his decline had confused him. His cough developing into a jagged, painful thing.</p><p>Sougo had jokingly told him to see a doctor. He had laughed.</p><p>So seeing him crouched on the road, choking in his own blood, wasn't what he expected.</p><p>China stood completely still. As if in a stupor, not quite believing what she saw.</p><p>Shinpachi crying out his name, panicking.</p><p>He hastily cut through the crowd, snapping them out of it.</p><p>Ordering around an army of headless chickens was exactly the kind of thing he specialized in.</p><p>His body moving before his mind. Picking him up in reflex.</p><p>( Was he remembering his sister? )</p><p>Not remembering who he pushed along the road. Carrying the much bigger Danna on his back.</p><p>His fever making him delirious.</p><p>( Or was it just Danna? )</p><p>"I'm sorry, Okita-kun." he had said. Mirroring his sister.</p><p>Why the hell was he out like this!?</p><p>"Shut it." He snapped.</p><p>His voice heavy with something.</p><p>Was it anger, or fear?</p><p>.</p><p>He felt like a conman.</p><p>Gintoki thought as he vomited raw blood, face-first into the toilet seat.</p><p>He had sent Shinpachi away on a grocery run. Handing him a long list of things that he didn't even need.</p><p>The day before it was privacy for taking an enormous dump.</p><p>He chuckled. Wiping his face. Frowning at the metallic taste in his mouth.</p><p>He looked at the mirror.</p><p>These days, he couldn't recognize himself anymore. Or maybe he just didn't want to acknowledge it.</p><p>That depleted figure.</p><p>Pale hair and bloodshot eyes just making him appear more sickly.</p><p>Like he would keel over any day.</p><p>Pathetic.</p><p>His body... was he really done for?</p><p>It wasn't the sickness that made him think that way.</p><p>He's been sicker. Like that time when he was held prisoner and tortured.</p><p>He almost died then. Infection after infection almost sending him six feet under.</p><p>There were many close calls in war too.</p><p>But this time...</p><p>He didn't know anymore. Something just wasn't right.</p><p>Until now, his body was the only thing that had never failed him.</p><p>His family died, friends left, even happiness never lasted.</p><p>It was only his strength and hard-earned skills that had kept him alive for so long. Even when he had nothing.</p><p>If even that is gone, then what will he have left?</p><p>His friends?</p><p>He looked at his hand, shivering violently.</p><p>Could he even hold a sword properly?</p><p>He'll only be a burden to them like this.</p><p>He would protect his own. He didn't mind dying for them either.</p><p>But he wasn't sure if he could bear his friends getting themselves killed, covering for his weak mistakes.</p><p>Or just being unable to protect himself.</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>It was all his fault.</p><p>.</p><p>Hijikata had come to visit him only after he had changed doctors a few times.</p><p>He had offhandedly remarked on it once but didn't think much of it.</p><p>But as he stood stunned at the door, looking at him in what was probably horror, he could laugh.</p><p>It wasn't like him at all.</p><p>"Ah, Hijikata-kun, done ogling yet? I'm fearing for my virtue here"</p><p>He joked from his cot, munching down at the complimentary fruits.</p><p>"You look like crap." He deadpanned.</p><p>"That's not a very nice thing to say to poor old Gin-san, Hijikata-kun." He laughed.</p><p>But Mayora just looked at him strangely.</p><p>"You... Really need a better doctor. What did they say again?"</p><p>He muttered.</p><p>Sougo had told him about Gintoki's illness and even how he had brought him to the hospital.</p><p>But he didn't really take it seriously.</p><p>Probably just opened up some wounds or something. The idiot was strong.</p><p>He just didn't expect to see him look... really ill.</p><p>"Hmm... Something Amanto related. They can't figure it out."</p><p>He nonchalantly added. Hijikata flinched.</p><p>Wasn't that really bad?</p><p>As if they hadn't been through enough doctors already.</p><p>He felt stupid.</p><p>Even how Yorozuya was talking was freaking him out.</p><p>He hastily went through his pockets.</p><p>Kondou-san couldn't visit today. But gave this to him just in case.</p><p>Otae having been really worried.</p><p>"Here. This woman's apparently really good. She served in the war for a long time." He explained.</p><p>"The best amanto specialist you're likely to get here."</p><p>Gintoki reached out to take the note.</p><p>Before abruptly breaking into a harsh coughing fit. Painting his kimono sleeves in red.</p><p>"Oi!"</p><p>He was instantly beside him.</p><p>He didn't know why but by the time everything had quieted down, he was seething in rage.</p><p>The nurses having changed the sheets.</p><p>He hadn't meant to show it.</p><p>"At least take care of your health, idiot!"
He had said meaninglessly.</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p><p>And he apologised meaninglessly. Smiling mildly.</p><p>As if it was his fault.</p><p>He walked out, fuming.</p><p>When he reached home, he couldn't understand just what made him so angry.</p><p>.</p><p>The doctor had taken a look at them and sent Shinpachi away.</p><p>Stating confidentiality to his worried protests.</p><p>Kagura was running late. Having been out on an errand.</p><p>Gintoki eyed her wearily.</p><p>A middle-aged Shinra.</p><p>He had never been able to relax around Amanto, even after all these years.</p><p>Besides, this woman irked him, although he had never met her before. Her uncannily sharp gaze seemed to dissect him.</p><p>And who had ever heard of a Shinra doctor?</p><p>Though apparently, she was really good.</p><p>"Sakata Gintoki-san, is it? I'm Shigure. Hijikata-san told me about you."</p><p>She greeted bowing a little, smiling. He tilted his head in return.</p><p>"You have really good friends, don't you?"</p><p>She said, probably seeing his unease.</p><p>Although, even now, very few people were actually comfortable around Amanto.</p><p>It was considered safer not to be.</p><p>"That kid seemed to worship the ground you walk on. I can tell," She laughed.</p><p>"Even that demonic vice commander was really worried about you. And I've heard the rumours."</p><p>"So why do you want to die so much?" She asked genuinely curious.</p><p>What the...</p><p>Did that Hijikata trick him into seeing a shrink?</p><p>This know-it-all attitude was the exact reason that he avoided them so much.</p><p>"Don't talk as if you know anything." He said mildly annoyed.</p><p>Where was she going with this?</p><p>The woman looked him over.</p><p>"Ah, I should've spoken with more tact. Sorry."</p><p>Her bluntness caught him off guard.</p><p>"It's fine. What do you mean?"</p><p>"You're a joui patriot, aren't you?"</p><p>"I was." That's all he said. She nodded.</p><p>"Well, the Joui war was the central of biological warfare in that age. You've probably seen it first hand already.</p><p>But all sorts of weapons were tested and bought by the Tendoshuu and other corporations alike.</p><p>It was less that we saw you, Samurai, as any real threat and more that you humans were just easy test subjects."</p><p>She explained.</p><p>"One of those weapons was tested heavily in the war. On friend or foe. A very ambitious project.</p><p>It was expected that if it was successful, then controlling us warrior clans would become much easier."</p><p>She gave him a look.</p><p>"It's a disease triggered by self-hatred and a strong desire to die. It was hoped that it would wipe out all the war-torn samurai.</p><p>But you humans were much stronger than anyone initially thought."</p><p>A death wish, huh?</p><p>Somehow he just wasn't surprised. He's seen worse.</p><p>"It doesn't have a cure, does it?" He stated.
These things rarely did.</p><p>She gave him a pitying look.</p><p>"Sadly, no. There was no need to make one. It was a failure."</p><p>"A failure?"</p><p>"It barely worked. Only gave shell shocked patients some difficulty. Not lethal."</p><p>"There must've been some kind of complications in your case. Or overexposure.</p><p>But still, for it to cause such damage to your health, you must've really wanted to die, huh?</p><p>For a long, long time.."</p><p>Her eyes bore into him. As if trying to dissect how he lived. Not invasive just curious.</p><p>It was strangely disturbing.</p><p>"I pity them. Holding such affection for a man like you.</p><p>What went through that head of yours, when you laughed with them, Shiroyasha-san?</p><p>Did you feel guilty?"</p><p>He instantly got up and reached for his bokutou.</p><p>"Relax, I was just putting two and two together. So you are him, huh?</p><p>It's an honour, truly" She laughed.</p><p>"I mean no harm." She said when his stance didn't drop.</p><p>"How did you know all this?"</p><p>"I was stationed at earth then. I saw it all,  beginning to the end. Helped make quite a few myself!"</p><p>She laughed. As if reminiscent of old days.</p><p>"You killed my kin, you know?" She joked. Gintoki spluttered.</p><p>"I'm sorry?"</p><p>"No need! We're Shinra. I just hope you gave them a good fight."</p><p>She laughed out jovially. As if seeing something really amusing.</p><p>Eventually, her smile dropped. She stared straight into his eyes.</p><p>"You're going to die, you know?"</p><p>"Even if you somehow manage to find a cure, there's no way to reverse the damage already done."</p><p>He nodded.</p><p>"I had figured as much."</p><p>He half-smiled almost pitying. But it wasn't self-pity.</p><p>Shigure smiled at him.</p><p>"There were all sorts of stories about you in our camp, you know.</p><p>The mythical white samurai cutting through the ranks of Amanto. Wearing white to show-off the blood of his enemies.</p><p>I'd thought them bullshit. Real humans were weak."</p><p>She laughed.</p><p>"But I'd still wonder what kind of person you were, Sakata-san."</p><p>"That human called Shiroyasha."</p><p>Gintoki didn't say anything.</p><p>"Now... I just pity your friends. I guess no human is supposed to be that strong, after all."</p><p>Gintoki looked at her blankly. Then left, bowing a bit in courtesy. She nodded back.</p><p>Paying the price, huh?</p><p>.</p><p>Gintoki came out of the office surprised to find it empty.</p><p>The kids hadn't left him alone since this whole thing began. Always choosing to stick close, fussing like a pair of grandmothers.</p><p>He laughed bitterly. His poor, idiotic kids.</p><p>What will they do without him?</p><p>He sighed in relief. He didn't know if he could show them what they needed to see right now.</p><p>The doctor's words had shaken him more than he wanted to admit.</p><p>But didn't he know it already?</p><p>That all his sins would eventually come to bite him in the ass?</p><p>It was a long time coming.</p><p>Or did he become so arrogant that he thought all was forgotten?</p><p>He was Shiroyasha, whether he liked it or not. And he will be until his last breath.</p><p>He was the parasitic demon that had grown up in the battlefields.</p><p>Killing, scavenging bodies or whatever else he needed to do to survive.</p><p>He was a killer, a traitor, a deserter, a disgraced samurai, a master-killer, a friend killer-</p><p>You name it. He laughed.</p><p>It was a dark, bitter thing.</p><p>If it had been a while ago -</p><p>before he met the kids,</p><p>before he made the Yorozuya,</p><p>before Otose saved him,</p><p>before he had reached out to live -</p><p>he probably wouldn't have even cared.</p><p>But now, he wanted to live.</p><p>If not for himself, then for his kids and his friends.</p><p>For the Yorozuya.</p><p>So much for that plan.</p><p>He sighed heavily. He couldn't cry for himself.</p><p>Because he has always lived freely by his own rules.</p><p>Selfishly.</p><p>He'll die like that too.</p><p>Hah.</p><p>Even if it's all a lie -</p><p>He just doesn't want to make them cry.</p><p>He's a coward so he doesn't want to live his dying days in a stuffy hospital bed, surrounded by despair.</p><p>He wiped the single tear that had rolled down his cheek.</p><p>And went home, smiling.</p><p>.</p><p>That night, Kagura came home with a hoarse throat. Like she had been sobbing all day.</p><p>She was bruised all over too. Her knuckles battered and raw.</p><p>As if she had gone out of her way to pick fights.</p><p>She was smiling though. Radiantly, as if she hadn't been late enough to miss dinner.</p><p>Shinpachi opened his mouth to ask something but decided against it.</p><p>It wasn't the first time something like this had happened.</p><p>He had been furious at Kagura only a few hours ago because she had ditched Gin-san at the hospital.</p><p>Shinpachi fretted over them worried until he absolutely had to go home.</p><p>Even with Tae's insistence, he couldn't allow his sister to cook. So he went home every night to spend the night and cook the day's food.</p><p>Unlike the other days, Kagura didn't play with Sadaharu.</p><p>Sadaharu too had just eyed them, curling into a corner.</p><p>As if waiting.</p><p>She didn't watch her favourite show. Didn't even care to record it.</p><p>Instead, observing him with too sharp eyes.</p><p>She confronted him only after everyone else had gone to bed.</p><p>Sitting in front of him casually. As if all her anguish had cooled down into something much, much colder.</p><p>Anger.</p><p>"Gin-chan, are you happy?"</p><p>"I am." He chuckled. Her eyes flashed in fury. Grabbing his kimono.</p><p>"Like hell you are, you bastard. You've been lying to me and Pachi the whole time!"</p><p>"When were you going to tell us!?"</p><p>He couldn't lie to her. Confronted by her honesty.</p><p>But wasn't that what he's been doing the whole time?</p><p>He didn't want to make excuses.</p><p>But he probably would've told them. If him dying was the only thing he had to hide.</p><p>His friends were kind. Unlike him.</p><p>If they knew about his disease, there'd surely blame themselves.</p><p>"Not until I was dead, at least." He smiled slightly.</p><p>Why was he smiling?</p><p>"Don't you dare smile like that! Not when you don't mean it!"</p><p>She was shaking in anger. While at the same time, barely holding back tears.</p><p>"Ne, Gin-chan..." She cried. Tears falling like melted sapphires.</p><p>"What is the time we spent together to you?"</p><p>How could he answer that?</p><p>To the one person he wanted to hide his darkness from.</p><p>"More happiness than I ever deserve," He said simply.</p><p>He didn't want to die anymore. He couldn't be that selfish.</p><p>But he didn't know what to do with all the warmth given to him.</p><p>What did he do to deserve all this?</p><p>Say that he simply got lucky. That some faceless goddess of fortune took a fancy to him.</p><p>If so, then where did his friends go wrong?</p><p>He was always the worst of them.</p><p>It was merely how the world worked. He knew that. But perhaps, deep down he just couldn't accept it.</p><p>He couldn't bear happiness.</p><p>( Can you really call it happiness, if it's too much to bear? )</p><p>He didn't say all that. But Kagura being herself still heard all of it, his feelings.</p><p>"Are you an idiot? You have the right to be happy!" She yelled determined.</p><p>Although her eyes were still full of tears.</p><p>"So stop making yourself miserable for stupid reasons, you goddamn masochist!"</p><p>He snorted loudly, trying to muffle his laughter.</p><p>Seriously, that girl...</p><p>"I won't let you die, Gin-chan! We'll find a way to save you!"</p><p>"Thank you." He said.</p><p>What else could he say?</p><p>She was more of a shounen protagonist then he ever was.</p><p>"Kagura,"</p><p>Promises can bind you for life. Take away your freedom to live,</p><p>"Promise me something."</p><p>or die. He knew that better than anyone.</p><p>"What, Gin-chan?" She asked curiously.</p><p>And innocence is meant to be protected.</p><p>"Please, just promise me." His voice wavered at the end.</p><p>She grinned. Trusting him unconditionally.</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"Keep this a secret. All of it."</p><p>He really had never wanted to burden her like this.</p><p>Her smile slid off.</p><p>"Don't be stupid. I told you we'll find a way to save you!"</p><p>Her optimism was tinged with desperation.
He truly was proud of her, he thought.</p><p>"I know but this isn't the right time for this."</p><p>She considered his words.</p><p>"Please, Kagura."</p><p>He had never felt more close to dirt, he thought.</p><p>"But what if it's..." She shook it off.</p><p>No...</p><p>He'd be fine!</p><p>Gin-chan wouldn't lie to her.</p><p>And she would find a way to save him.</p><p>Kagura didn't know what she'd do otherwise. </p><p>"Okay, I... I won't tell anyone."
She promised finally.</p><p>They both went to sleep. At least pretended to, until it was time to get up.</p><p>The room silent for once.</p><p>He didn't know what answer she arrived at, as dawn broke.</p><p>Or if lying was just too painful for her.</p><p>Waiting too, when his lies about his body didn't work anymore.</p><p>But she was gone before dawn arrived. Sadaharu trotting after her.</p><p>To look for a cure, her note read.</p><p>I'll save you.</p><p>.</p><p>( Ne, Gin-san... why won't you look at me? )</p><p>Kagura-chan left. Without even bothering to say goodbye.</p><p>By the time they had reached the terminal, she was already long gone.</p><p>Leaving behind nothing but a short note. Scribbled in her messy katakana.</p><p>Gin-san didn't show any shock. Frowning slightly.</p><p>"Shinpachi, don't be too mad at her..." He had said sighing.</p><p>"I put too much of a burden on her."</p><p>Just what that burden was and what had gone down that night after he had gone home stayed unknown to him.</p><p>Why would Kagura-chan just leave like that?</p><p>That day, Katsura-san had barged in unannounced. Like he always did.</p><p>But the silent glare he had given Gin-san was anything but normal.</p><p>He had left as he came. Without even a goodbye.</p><p>Were they fighting?</p><p>Okita-san had reacted similarly. If without Katsura-san's tact.</p><p>He came in and headed straight for Gin-san's room.</p><p>He had grabbed him by the collar before Hijikata-san put a stop to it.</p><p>"You bastard..." He had said, "What did you say to her?"</p><p>He wanted to know that himself.</p><p>His sister had just sighed heavily. Hearing the news.</p><p>As if the weight of the world was lying on her thin shoulders.</p><p>Looking at him kindly.</p><p>What was that look?</p><p>Otose-san, Catherine and even people he barely knew looked at them that way.</p><p>He despised it.</p><p>He could only bear it because he wasn't alone. Kagura-chan was always with him. Glaring back defiantly.</p><p>How could she leave him behind to bear all this alone?</p><p>Whatever reasons she had he just couldn't accept it.</p><p>If she wanted to save Gin-san, then she should've told him. They could have done it together.

</p><p>Even if that wasn't possible, anything was better than running like a thief in the dead of the night.</p><p>He felt alone. More alone than he's been in a long, long time.</p><p>Even though Gin-san was here.</p><p>Because Gin-san didn't look at him anymore. Not really.</p><p>His glances went straight through him. To somewhere beyond.</p><p>Even though he joked around, his eyes held too much emotion to look happy anymore.</p><p>Guilt? Sorrow?</p><p>Why,</p><p>why would he look at him like that?</p><p>Like them.</p><p>What was he missing?</p><p>What was he ignoring?</p><p>Denying...</p><p>What was he blind to, that everyone seemed to know?</p><p>Why the hell, was he always left behind?</p><p>.</p><p>"Ah, it's Hijikata-kun."</p><p>Gintoki exclaimed without any particular interest.</p><p>He didn't know if it was the familiar teasing voice, his cocky grin or just his plain existence but he was already ticked off as he came in.</p><p>Itching for a fight.</p><p>He held it in glancing at his hospital-bound self.</p><p>It's been a while since he became like this. What should've been just a seasonal sickness...</p><p>So why wasn't he getting any better?</p><p>No, he thought looking at Gintoki's reeling frame and almost bony fingers.</p><p>Almost dissipating into the sterile hospital mattress.</p><p>If anything, he was getting worse. Gintoki actually looked away from his intense stare.</p><p>"How are you feeling?" He asked, opening the curtains to let light in.</p><p>Brightening the dimly lit room.</p><p>"I'm fine." He said plainly. Wincing a bit at the abrupt lighting.</p><p>"Headache?" He insisted. Worried at the apparent delicate conditions of the brute.</p><p>"No, you idiot." He snapped, "You're as bad as Shinpachi, seriously..."</p><p>"Why are you here so often anyways, you damn tax robber..."</p><p>Usually, his idiotic banter would rile him up. But now he was just worried.</p><p>He'd grown up with Mitsuba. He could read the signs.</p><p>The way he held himself, posture stiff, like he was afraid he would fall into another one of his bloody coughing fits, keeping the bin close,</p><p>his jagged breathing, pale complexion, how his sleeping was deeper as if to compensate for something -</p><p>It all felt so wrong.</p><p>"I'm just worried about you." He muttered, absentmindedly.</p><p>...What did he just say?</p><p>Gintoki appeared to think the same thing. Shamelessly gawking at him.</p><p>Minutes passed in complete silence...</p><p>Then Gintoki acted as if he hadn't heard anything.</p><p>Saving him the embarrassment of saying anything.</p><p>"Well... I spoke too harshly." Gintoki began awkwardly.</p><p>"I really... appreciate you looking after Shinpachi. The kid knows no restraint." He laughed.</p><p>His eyes widened comically. Almost choking on his unlit cigarette.</p><p>The hell!?</p><p>True that he or Sougo dropped by sometimes if megane couldn't make it for some reason-</p><p>But was Gintoki... actually thanking him?</p><p>He suddenly felt faint. He needed to get out of here.</p><p>"Got it." He said. Making his way for the door.</p><p>Gintoki suddenly reached out and flinched. Shading his eyes.</p><p>He looked back at him.</p><p>"Seriously..." He chuckled exasperated. What a stubborn bastard.</p><p>"so you do have a headache... I'll call someone over."</p><p>He averted his eyes. That idiot of all people probably didn't want to show any weakness.</p><p>Not to him.</p><p>"Hijikata-kun," Gintoki called after him.</p><p>"Keep an eye out for my kids, will you?"</p><p>His voice broke off a little. Must be one hell of a migraine.</p><p>Was he delirious too?</p><p>Would explain the thanking.</p><p>"Do it yourself, idiot." He retorted.</p><p>He chuckled. Giving him an odd look. Fond even.</p><p>"Just until I return."</p><p>He nodded softly.</p><p>Not even looking back once as he closed the door.</p><p>Because he didn't know what kind of face he was making right now.</p><p>Something was pulling at him.</p><p>What was this feeling?</p><p>That was the last time he saw Gintoki.</p><p>.</p><p>Gintoki lived out his last days like a true sinner should.</p><p>Although he wanted to tell the truth all that came out of his mouth were lies.</p><p>Lying his way to the grave.</p><p>All the while Otose gazed at him those too sharp eyes of hers. Never buying any of his crap.</p><p>Tama too. Observing him with such obvious conflict that he thought he'd cry.</p><p>Tatsuma never showed. Not that he thought he would.</p><p>He was probably still fishing for stars thousands of light-years away. Laughing jovially.</p><p>He didn't mind that kind of life.</p><p>But Shinpachi probably still waited for him. Like praying for a miracle.</p><p>He waited for Kagura too. Holding onto his presence and false hopes like a lifeline.</p><p>He didn't know whether to laugh or cry.</p><p>His life was not a happy one.</p><p>He spent most of it in a struggle between wanting to die and yet striving to live.</p><p>He wanted to protect all that was dear to him.</p><p>To him, living this long was a blessing.</p><p>Being able to meet his friends, a miracle.</p><p>He didn't dare hope for more.</p><p>All he ever wanted was to protect his own, while living in a way that he wouldn't regret.</p><p>And yet, he selfishly didn't want to face the truth. He wanted to live denying it.</p><p>He just didn't want to see his friends cry.</p><p>But as he saw Zura bending down, crying, clasping his cold hand like a lifeline -</p><p>He might have just done something unforgivable to accomplish it.</p><p>He thought about Kagura and her feigned foreign accent,</p><p>her adoring voice that she only used to ask for Sukonbu</p><p>and her wondering God knows where desperate to save him.</p><p>He thinks about her crying to his cold grave. Not even getting to see him one last time.</p><p>He thinks about Shinpachi. The boy who looked at him like he hung the moon.</p><p>Who always tried to appear more mature than he actually was.</p><p>Trying to save him desperately.</p><p>He thinks about all this and weeps.</p><p>He thinks about how flabbergasted Hijikata would've been seeing him cry,</p><p>and how even Sougo had teared up seeing his condition.</p><p>He thinks about his friends smiling.</p><p>He tries to laugh but all that was left was his neverending agony.</p><p>Choking him to death.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thanks for reading!!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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